An Insider’s Look on Black Friday

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y completed bucket list of life’s greatest moments contains such jewels as: biking down the volcano tour of Haleakala in Maui, to walking Jesus’ footsteps on the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem.  But truth be known, not even the birth of my third child Daniel, compares to the joy I get by putting on my elbow pads and wrestling some grandma to the ground to buy the latest door buster special on Dagger kayaks.

I’m talking about that holiday of holidays, the coup de grace known to the garage sale savvy shoppers–as BLACK FRIDAY.

“Black Friday,” the day after Thanksgiving, got its name originally in 1966 as being the first day of the year that retailers got out of the proverbial accounting “red” and make a profit or went into the “black.”  However, I’m not talking about profits, but rather the biggest shopping day of the year.  You know, the 2008 frenzy that trampled Jdimytai Damour, a Walmart worker in Valley Stream, New York or that cause the argumentative shooting that killed two parents at the Toys ‘R Us in Palm Desert, California.  The truly friendly sport of shopping to save $10 on a special purchase that brings out the road rage, I mean the best of all of us–that Black Friday.

The Amazing Race or Survivor pales in comparison to the true skill, wit, cunningness, tenacity, and physical endurance needed to survive a shopping night in the Bible friendly Dallas/Fort Worth area.  Below are my seven tips from a seasoned regular insider.

Tip #1:  Don’t Heist Alone. To begin this Olympic feat you recruit and prepare much like complex bank robbery.  You need at least two dedicated friends who would do anything for you.  Anything.  Then while the world is watching the Dallas Cowboys lose to the New Orleans Saints, you and your cronies study the hot sheets and draw maps of the interior and exterior parking lots of the stores you plan to hit.

Tip #2:  Things Won’t Be Where You Expect Them. For example, your local Wal-mart may have a door buster big screen television sale in the frozen waffle section.  This is a sprint, seconds count, mow that cart over people as there is no glory for second place, just waffles.  Worse than parallel parking, you’ll need to maneuver quickly over toes, people and through very tight places.  There’s no time to be claustrophobic, your recall on locations of departments is paramount.

Tip #3:  Calorie it up! Before you leave Wal-mart, consider grabbing a McRib at the in store McDonalds.  Now is not the time to diet.  You will need every ounce of sugar and caffeine to make it through marathon tasks.  Over caffeinate, this is your McNight!

Tip #4:  Make the Drop. Someone has to be dropped off to get in line while the others park the car.  I’ve been known to survive frostbite and sheets of ice just to maintain my place at the half mile marker around the corner from a Toys R’ Us.  Wait it out, bring a tent, flashlights, snacks, and arrive early.  There will be lines.

Tip #5:  Bring out Ugly. It’s not the night for the convertible sport coupe or the wife’s backseat embedded duel DVD playing minivan.  Your posse should arrive with the oil dripping, alarm sounding, 1970s looking car.  There is no glory in scoring some shopping loot only to have it stolen while you’re negotiating a sweet netbook at Fry’s.  Hide your stuff, lock your car, use your trunk, and bring out ugly.

Tip #6:  Establish Checkout & Communications. The most argumentative person maneuvers the empty cart immediately to the checkout line upon entering a store. This person becomes ground based central control.  I’ve waited three and half hours at Fry’s to checkout.  Nothing ruins a jaw dropping purchase faster than overly long checkout delays.  Split up and work the store fast.  The checkout person will stay in touch with the runners via texting or walkie talkie backups. R u ok? Crwl on flr if u have 2, need big screen! or “Breaker, breaker, got your ear on? Call a Smokey, grandma needs the band-aid buggy, lost photo frame on isle 12.  Over.

Tip #7: Hang It, Touch It, Buy It.

When you find your prize touch it, grab it, or sit on it until checkout time.  I’ve had my pinky on a DVD player about an hour before they went on sale.  You hang onto it until official sale time.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.  Your mission at this moment is to hang onto the item like a Dallas Cowboy running back.  Don’t fumble or let go of the ball.  When others arrive, hang on to it.  When it’s in your cart, hang on to it.  When you’re in the parking lot, hang on to it. You never know when the Dagger Kayak for $399 will be on sale again.  Buy it as there just might be a trampling demand for it somewhere!

What are your Black Friday tips?

Tagged as: Humor, Life Tips